Code Pink Episode 4: Losing My Boobs, Finding My Strength - A Goodbye Letter To The Girls

*In this series, I will share a very raw personal journey. As you read this blog series, none of the information provided should be considered expert medical advice. What I went through may or may not be the same for the next person. I tried to share common reactions to treatment and how to manage. I am also not paid to advertise certain products. Please follow the direction of your medical doctor. The information in this series should be read with a smile. Please also be aware, I am very honest. I tell it how it is. I don’t sugar coat but I can be sarcastic. For that, I apologize for the occasional profanity. The tips and suggestions are things I’ve learned along the way, helped me, and information I want to share with you.

Before surgery I really struggled with body image issues. Growing up I was very athletic and when I stopped swimming, I gained weight. Weight has been a struggle for close to 10 years but one thing has remained the same… I had great boobs. This was one of the body parts I actually liked when I looked at myself in the mirror. So as surgery approached, my anxiety increased and I started having major emotional struggles. My therapist recommended that I write a letter to my boobs and so I will share that with you. 

            You girls have been with me for a couple of decades. Back in the day, you were the first sign of womanhood. I still remember buying the first sports bra and white cotton bra with my mom. In high school, I was proud of my C cup boobs. My best friend and I would shop at Hot Topic for the most outrageous bras around. No one ever saw them but it was fun! The purple sequined bra was my favorite!

            We have had many memories together. We went skinny dipping in White Bear Lake many times during high school. I still remember the white lace bra I wore the first time my husband got to second base in college. You’ve been a big reason I love wearing tank tops and dresses, you are my favorite assets. During the times of low self-esteem and lack of positive body image, you girls always looked nice. Lastly, you’ve given nourishment to my beautiful children. Breastfeeding my babies has been greatest gift and memory you could have given me. I was devastated knowing I had to lose you. 

            Now you’ve betrayed me. You’ve grown cancer. I’m angry at you. I won’t even look at or touch you because it reminds me that I’m sick. I won’t let my husband touch you. You’re forcing me to have surgery and cut out the cancer. I’m scared. Having boobs makes me feel beautiful and sexy. It helps me identify as a woman. Now I’m terrified that I will look like a Frankenstein inspired science project when I’m done with surgery.  It’s true that after all this is said and done, I’ll get perky water bed boobs but it won’t be the same. I’ll be left with ugly scars that remind me of my cancer. I will be ugly and deformed. Song lyrics have told us that the scars remind us that the past is real and frankly…this is a memory I don’t want to remember.

            Girls you are killing me and you must die. It will be hard to say goodbye. I know I will cry. I will be hurt and angry. I will be devastated. But… I want to continue living my life and that means you and the cancer must go.

*Tips For Surviving: As weird as it seemed, writing my feelings down on paper really helped. I started to think of my boobs as a sign of betrayal and it was easier to say goodbye to such a toxic thing.

This blog covers the basics of my cancer journey. If you're looking to read more or know someone going through breast cancer treatment, check out my book about breast cancer on the home page!