Code Pink Episode 8: It's Not All Rainbows & Unicorns, It's OK To Feel

People kept asking me how I felt and I didn’t know how to respond. I was grateful for the support and the concern but it can be overwhelming at times. I understood that people around me are going through this too but I HAD CANCER. This will affect ME for the rest of my life.

            The entire process was an emotional rollercoaster. Just when I had a good day, I’d have a bad one. Just when I got good news, bad/frustrating news was just around the corner. I remember sitting in the waiting room waiting for my PETCT and I got a call saying the lymph node they biopsied was negative. OK great, my cancer hadn’t spread outside the breast. We could skip the PETCT. Not so fast…said the surgeon. They had biopsied the wrong lymph node. What the F**K? Seriously? You are expert medical professionals, how do you biopsy the wrong node? Again…SERIOUSLY?!! Highs and lows, highs and lows.

If I could tell you how I really felt I’d say I was: Angry, sad, scared, I even avoided talking about it. I did a really good job of ignoring it on my good days. There were some days where I felt great and didn’t believe I actually had cancer. I didn’t identify with it until I looked in the mirror and saw my bald head, dark circles under my eyes, and scars on my chest.  I was angry this happened. I was angry at my boob. I feel betrayed. I didn’t want to look at or touch my boobs. I didn’t want my husband to get anything out of them either. I just wanted them gone. I was sad for what the future held. I didn’t want my children without a mother.

Almost 10yrs later, I’m still scared of the unknown. I like to be prepared and plan for the future but I had a feeling I wasn’t in control and that made me mad and scared. I’m wasn’t in the mood to talk about it and when I did I cried. Most days my thoughts jumped from having hope and doing OK to the terrifying thoughts of leaving my family behind. I was terrified that I wouldn’t see my children grow up. I was terrified I wouldn’t watch my husband walk our daughter down the aisle at her wedding. I found that going to work was a great distraction and that writing down my thoughts was a better way to get the images and words out there.

As I progressed through the process I found it easier to accept the fact that I had cancer. It finally set in. The hard part in my mind was making sense of it all. Cancer affects everything. Your body physically and mentally, your job, your relationships, your outlook on life. EVERYTHING. It turns your life upside down and you have to make peace with it and find a way to go on living.

*Tips For Surviving: If you have a support system in place that helps. Find “your person” to talk to and be honest. Support groups can help, so can other breast cancer warriors and survivors. It’s important to wait to join a support group until you have all your ducks in a row. This is your cancer journey and you need to make educated decisions about your life. Once your decisions are made, seek out those groups. There are so many amazing people out there who are willing to share their stories. If you don’t have support at home, seek support from a therapist or counselor. I found that by talking to a neutral third party (a therapist) I was being heard and my feelings and thoughts weren’t judged or dismissed.