Code Pink Episode 9: Top 11 Things To NEVER Say To A Cancer Patient

Most people have the best intentions. They hear you’re diagnosed with cancer and that’s how they look at you and think of you. They feel bad for you. They add you to their prayer list. They’ve seen someone die of cancer so that’s how they think you’ll look. They want to know how you’re doing and most people genuinely care or feel obligated to ask. In reality, we don’t want to repeat our story 100 times and we don’t want to talk about cancer 24/7.

11.  Please…Let Me Know How I Can Help

            Ok…. Sure. I’ll just make a list of everything I need help with and mass email it to everyone. RIGHT. Instead offer to bring dinner. Mail a card. Come over and cut the grass or plant some flowers. Send gift cards. Reach out to family to ask how to help. Most people want to help and the response can be overwhelmingly wonderful. But, by saying let me know what I can do to help, it leaves the ball in my court. I don’t have time to make a list of things I need help with and it adds pressure to find something for someone else to do and then asking. I was never one to ask for help so this was a hard statement for me. Many times, I was adjusting to a new normal and when I did need help it was last minute. Planning ahead with a meal train or setting aside time on weekends to help with kids is a better plan.

10. I Wonder If You Got Cancer From _____________? (being overweight, eating mac and cheese from a box, drinking pop, standing in front of the microwave, having your kids later in life, etc)

            The question, “Why me?” is very real. I also caught myself having pity parties and blaming myself after not finding a cause. Many patients have already racked their minds (or are still battling) with the “what ifs” and “whys.” I had more questions than answers. I eventually realized that it was OK not to have an answer why because it wasn’t going to change my treatment plan and I didn’t want one more thing to worry about. Instead, focus on treatment and moving forward.

9.  I Know Someone Who Had Cancer…You Should…

            Unfortunately, everyone knows somebody who’s cancer.  There are more and more people being diagnosed with cancer every day. It SUCKS. But…I don’t always want to hear about someone else’s experience especially if there was a bad outcome. Focus on what I’m going through. Every diagnosis is different. Every person reacts to treatment differently even with the same type of cancer. What I am going through is not the same as the someone you know. Please ask me how I’ve doing and ask thoughtful questions about my diagnosis and how I’m adjusting.

8. So…Are You Going To Lose Your Hair?

            Every treatment is different. Depending on length, course, and medication of chemotherapy will determine if someone will lose their hair. For some patients this is a very difficult topic. Having hair and boobs are features that make us women and can be a sense of femininity. It is a source of beauty and confidence that will be lost in a relatively short period of time. It is dramatic and scary watching your hair fall out in clumps and it’s not something we are prepared for or looking forward to. When this happens, retail therapy (new hat/scarf/clothes/makeup) can be helpful and a good distraction!

7. You’re So Strong. You Can Fight This. You Can Beat This.

            Sometimes a strong image can be helpful. But on days when you don’t feel well, this can be a hard thing to live up to. It makes us feel like we can’t ever be vulnerable or have a bad day. No one loses their battle with cancer because of a lack of trying. People lose the battle when treatment stops working.  Instead, notice times where we’ve handled situations with grace and style. It allows us to have good and bad days.

6. Everything Is Going To Be Fine

            Do you have a crystal ball I don’t know about?! No one knows this. Doctor’s don’t know this. After being diagnosed with cancer, most patients will have a varying amount of fear that they will live with for the rest of their lives. Fear of reoccurrence. Fear it’s not fully gone. Fear it will spread. Fear that every bump, lump, pain is cancer returning. By using this kind of blanket statement you’re actually dismissing feelings. Offer your support. That way if we get good news, we can celebrate together. If bad news arises, we can cry together.

5. I Think We Should Talk About It

            Most of the time we don’t want to talk about cancer. It’s already consuming life at the moment, let’s not talk about it. Talk about anything else. Work, summer plans, gossip, the weather, anything. Anything else to get our minds of cancer for 5 mins. We are still people and want to catch up, gossip, and chat like everyone else. When we’re ready to or need to talk we will.

4. Nothing At All

            Silence is just as bad as the rest of this list. It’s understandable that many people are sad and afraid and don’t know what to say. One of the hardest parts for me was losing friends I thought I had because they disappeared and didn’t know what to say or do. Don’t ignore the situation. I found I developed a lot of resentment towards people when they vanished from my life during treatment and came back when I was done. Offer your time and ear for whatever someone wants to talk about.

3. Everything Happens For A Reason

            No. No. No. It does not. I used to believe this statement as the stars seemed to be aligned one morning when my Mom saved my Dad’s life by doing CPR when he went into sudden cardiac arrest. But I don’t know if I believe it now. For those that look to a higher power and believe this is part of the plan, it’s a shitty plan. No one wants to leave this earth before their time. I don’t want to leave my husband and kids behind. I don’t want to miss their graduations, weddings, grandkids. If there’s something I’m supposed to learn from this experience, I hope I learn it then cancer will leave, and I can move on. I want to make the best of my life.

2. This is just a bump in the road. It’s just a small setback. It’s just one more day/week/month...

            I heard this ALL THE TIME. Yes, it is just a bump in the road, today. Tomorrow is another bump (setback/complication). By next week, it will be a freaking obstacle course. Every time I heard, “It’s just a”… I wanted to scream. For me, every treatment followed something else. Everything was a domino effect and I tried my hardest to stay on track. For example, I couldn’t get surgery until chemo was done. So chemo had to stay on track. Then when surgery came, it got pushed back a week due to surgeon’s schedules. Fine… it was just another week. Well really, it was more than that. It meant I was pushing back radiation, reconstruction, and most importantly getting done with treatment and on with my life. Lastly, I got my radiation schedule and I was so excited. If all worked out and I didn’t fall behind, I would have ended on my 34^th birthday. What an amazing thing to celebrate….no more cancer! Well… I missed one day for the radiation machine being down and I ended that day after my birthday. Yes, bumps in the road happen and there is nothing you can do about it but PLEASE don’t blow it off. One less chemo, one less doctor’s appointment, or day of radiation. It’s a big deal. One day closer to a “normal” life again.

1. Well, You Don’t Look Sick. You Look Good.

            Gee Thanks. This was hard. At first I thought it was flattering. I took it as a compliment. I actually thought maybe I didn’t look so bad. Then I saw reality staring back at me in the mirror. I know people mean well but over time it really annoyed me. I saw a funny quote during treatment that said “I don’t look sick and you don’t look stupid…looks can be deceiving!” But really…What am I supposed to look like? I know cancer is an invisible disease but I still have real symptoms and feelings. Not every cancer is a death sentence and while most people may have that image in their heads, that’s not always the case. It’s hard to see the effects chemo has on your immune system, your memory, and all the internal symptoms. Our scars are hidden. You don’t see the images or thoughts constantly flooding my brain. While I feel like shit on the inside, I’ll just smile for you on the outside so I don’t look sick. Going through cancer, chemo, surgery, radiation it is all an emotional and physical rollercoaster. There are good days and bad days. A person doesn’t have to look sick to be sick.  Instead ask me how I’m feeling and be ready for that answer.

*Tips For Surviving: Start a Caring Bridge site and let people know how you’re doing. This way, you don’t have to talk, you can write how things are going and it reaches the masses. When you’re at large gatherings such as holidays, come up with a positive statement and have an action plan to divert the conversation by asking the other person something about them. If push comes to shove write your answer down on a sign and wear it around your neck so you don’t have to repeat yourself. No…I’m not kidding…I seriously contemplated this for one of my family holidays.