You Can't Make This S**T Up: Weirdest Chief Complaints I've Heard In Triage!

Emergency nursing is many things - fast-paced, unpredictable, rewarding but above all - it's unfiltered! If you've ever sat behind the triage desk at 1am with a waiting room full of patients and a full moon hanging overhead, then you know: there's no telling what's going to walk through the sliding doors next! Here are some of the STRANGEST, FUNNIEST, and MOST HEAD-TILTING complaints I've heard during a shift - all anonymized for privacy of course!

1. "I sneezed really hard and stubbed me toe and now my soul feels crooked and off balance": To this day, I'm not sure what he meant by this - I remember him saying "his internal alignment was out of whack and he wanted to be seen by someone with crystals".

2. "I think I have a Scuba Steve doll up my butt". You think? Is it stuck, how did it get up there? Why?

3. "I ate the sushi from the gas station and I now I think I'm allergic because my skin is scaly". First of, gas station sushi? Nasty. Secondly- you're not growing fish scales - perhaps try some moisturizing lotion.

4. "My belly button smells weird". Sir, have you tried cleaning it with soap?

5. "My eyelid has been twitching for 3 days and I think it's a sign". A sign of what? Stress, dehydration, lack of calcium in the diet, stroke, impending exorcism?

6. "I swallowed a piece of gum 4yrs ago, can you check to see if it's still in there"? Is it bothering you? "No, I'm just curious". At 2am, you're curious? Let's get you a GI consult.

7. "My dog bit me because he was scared when I sneezed loudly, do I need a rabies shot"?

8. "I like making Tik Tok videos in a dolphin costume and twerking but it makes my ankles hurt- what can I do for that, I don't want to stop making videos". Perhaps try some Tylenol and ace wrap those ankles before filming? PS - can you demonstrate these moves and make sure to include the dolphin sounds for full effect?!

9. "I had 5 Red Bulls and now my heart is going BOOM, BOOM, BOOM". 5 huh? Pretty sure that's on the warning label. Let's grab an EKG and some labs.

10. "I was taking pictures on a farm and I was attacked by a bull because I'm on my period". I had no idea this was a real thing until I started working rural healthcare with a bunch of farmers - apparently the bulls can smell the blood? Weirdest TTA I've ever called.

11. "I got attacked by a muskrat". Where, how, why? No judgement, just questions!

12. "I think I broke my nail working in my shed and it's bleeding a little". Removes towel from hand- whole finger is amputated, more than a little broken sir!

Real Talk

Triage in the Emergency Room is safety net for many. It's where we learn that people are unpredictable, imaginative, and occasionally just looking for someone to listen. We take every complaint seriously- no matter how unusual it may be. Because behind every "weird complaint", there's usually a person looking for reassurance, connection, or sometimes just a reason to be heard. That's the heart of emergency nursing- compassion, with a side of "You Can't Make This S**T Up"!